Sudden lost.

This heart shattered, scattered into invisible tiny pieces as to in disbelief that I was in pain, I’m still in.  I tried to create a smirk, as it could ease me from the stress they say, but I couldn’t. Every word I construct before expressing it out, tears flown out, faster than my lips could utter. Questions I asked only to be answered with vague answers. I could not fathom the situation, the issue. No actually I understood it patently.  It’s the cause of it, the basis of it that dragged me into the circumstance, into the heartache. I tried to disarm myself from the extreme sadness of losing something I still want, I still need, but I failed, miserably. I posed questions I never thought I’d ask.

Why do you have to leave?

Do you really don’t want me anymore?

Can’t you stay?

It was the saddest part of this soul.  I had my thoughts spoken.  I asked for forgiveness, if I’m the cause or even the root for this mishap. I expressed my gratitude for at least, honesty was all I anticipate yesterday, even so I myself not so sure of it. How could I trust any next words, when all words said before meant nothing?

Not only this beating organ felt the remorse, my bones ache, my brain stings.  I wished the pain would evaporate as swiftly as it could the next morning. No. My wish didn’t come true. It’s still there, the soreness. It’s still there.  I wish there’s visible wound that I could perhaps do something to ease the nuisance. There isn’t. I felt the blood shrink, as if they themselves have given up on life, as I climbed down the bed.  Pause. All I could ponder was, when will this stop? When only then I could exit out of this grief?

It’s hard. It wasn’t the same level of throbbing I experienced before.  Not even the last heartbreak was as excruciating as this. It's agonizing.

No, I won’t write the typical sanguine I’d hope for the rest of my days. I just couldn’t find the right mind, my right mind. Sanity is something I’d trade to take away this pain. Being insane is somewhat comfortable than having to feel all of these.

I’m blaming no one but me. I dragged myself, hoping something more when I know, I deserved something less. I’m still weak beyond my knowledge.

And as of the entire hurt, one thing, one thing I could only wish right now. Numb, I want to feel numb to only learn back to touch happiness. All I wish is that, just that.

'Dear dairy hati, its all been taken care of.'
Its not.